I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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