I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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