Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
