wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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