We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
