I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
