Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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