Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
