last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
