C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Vodka?
Forever.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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