Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
