She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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