I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
