If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
