You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
