I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
