He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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