I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
