so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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