not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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