Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
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I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
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I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.