Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
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I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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