we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
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all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
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Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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