i permit you to call me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
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