I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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