so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
