i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
