You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
