I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I would ride that face into the sunset
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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