Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
