she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
