If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
