I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
