i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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