you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
