Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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