Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
