ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
