grandma shit on top of the toilet
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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