i wish there were pregnant emoticons
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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