There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize