We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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