if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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