I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
