i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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