i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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