She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
