Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
