So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
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I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
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I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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