can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
