I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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