I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
