come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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