Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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