mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I have fence marks all over my body
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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